Ya’ know that class war I keep talking about? I think the time is now

You all know I love watching The Hills, but these worthless hookers make more per half-an-hour episode than Lars and I make in a year –combined.
Even the 3rd-rate sidekicks who maybe utter two lines.
Our country is so fucked up. Seriously. There’s a problem here.

Shouldn’t someone who works with developmentally disabled adults make more than a girl who says, “Uhhh, Ohhh totally,” for a living?

Am I wrong?

How much does MTV pay the stars of its smash unscripted series The Hills? Lauren Conrad earns $75,000 per episode-and that’s a fact that has left some of her series co-stars seething, a new In Touch Weekly scoop claims. “The only reason LC gets paid more than anyone else is because she demanded in her original contract that no one could ever get paid more than her.” “The salaries are based on who people care about watching more,” says a mole. “If you bring drama, you’ll get more money.” Fashion forward LC is expected to earn $1.4 million for the complete fourth season of The Hills. Let’s see how much her castmates earn.

Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Audrina: $35,000 per episode ($665,000 annually)
Whitney: $20,000 per episode ($380,000 per season)
Brody: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 a year)
Lauren “Lo”: $10,000 per episode ($190,00 for The Hills Season 4)
Stephanie: $8,000 per episode ($152,00 for Season 4)

I HEART THE SKIN FORK

I keep a back-scratcher at my desk for days just like today.
Days when I’m stretched too thin, stressed out and overworked. Days when I can’t look coyly at the close friend next to me and command them to, “scratch.”
In the same category as good food and sex, a nice back scratch can put your whole universe back in order…and, as if you couldn’t tell - I really need my universe (read: attitude) realigned. It hadn’t occurred to me that the answer I was looking for all day was sitting right there in my broken, seafoam coffee mug.
I’ve had this particular back scratcher for at least 10 years. I bought it for 50 cents at Pier One and it’s been scratching at the middle of my back, just under the bra strap ever since.
Angie calls it my “skin fork” because I had it in my hand for a month straight following the epic Bear Lake Sunburn of 1999. I like to think of it as my little friend.

Yep, still cranky

Vacation was awesome. Seeing my family was beyond amazing, so why am I still in such a funk?
Huh? Seriously, I want to know.

Confirmation of my irrefutable hotness

I mean, Travis Barker?! Shit, yes.

Florida Trip in Pictures and Songs

Fear is a man’s best friend - Billy Bragg

Will gets pulled over by “the po-po.”

Ninja - La La Love you - Pixies

The New York Deli -North Miami Beach

Playing dress-up at Mom’s.  voulez vous - ABBA

Lars loves on Stanley & Walter’s mommy and sisters.

Impromptu swimming in our underwear.

Habaneros with Dad.

Will and Scrappy.

Scrappy, Rhett and Bitsy

Dad loves his Ruby

Dad, Rose & Bitsy

Dad & Echo

Canoeing on the Loxahatchee River. Swimming Song - Kate & Anna McGarrigle

Dinner at Dune Dogs.

Chloe, Bonnie & Lola

Rained in by Tropical Storm Fay   

It’s been raining - Kimya Dawson

But, not too rained in…Storm in my house - Minutemen

Downtown Miami and some more rain

Dry the Rain - The Beta Band

The animal holocaust store

The Metrorail and “Metro Mover”

More rain

Cuban food

Last day at the beach. I know where the summer goes - Belle & Sebastian

That catfish who lived.

The scenes of our storm-chasing after the storm.

This one’s a surprise. Heh heh

Moon over Miami

We made it - thanks to my iron will and a 1/4 Xanax given to me by Carolyn, I didn’t have a John Lithgow-esqe breakdown on the EXTRAORDINARILY rough flight.
Things of note from the airport/plane experience.
1. At the gate there was a small boy carrying a fox pelt around his neck. It still had a head and its feet and this kid was carrying it around his neck like it “weren’t nuthin.” He kept picking up the head part and rubbing it on his face. Fuckin’ freaky.
2. Lars accidentally left his laptop at the security check, but luckily remembered before we boarded…and it was still there when he went back. I think we both lost a year or two off our lives.
3. I ate a 2 dollar cheeseburger from Burger King. They’ve really gone downhill.
4. Did I mention the turbulence? WTF? This is 2008! for crying out loud. Haven’t we figured out how to control wind yet? I’ve only seen the first season of LOST, but those riveting crash sequences from the pilot were coming to mind rather vividly.
5. If you watch Kung Fu Panda, but listen to Ziggy Stardust and take a Xanax - it’s totally like being on an acid trip.
I sleepy - so, more tomorrow - with pictures.

This blog is a robot in disquise (a survey - 50 things, you never cared to know about me)

1. Do you like cheese? I love cheese, both literal and metaphorical

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No, but does shooting up between my toes count? JOKE

3. Do you own a gun? Yes, lots of them, actually. Just in case you were thinking of breaking in.

4. Your favorite song? Favorite song? ….Like, in the whole world? uhhhh - “I wanna dance with somebody” by Whitney Houston. What?

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Massively

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like veggie corndogs! –WORD

7. What’s your favorite love song? I walked down the aisle to “Into my arms” by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, so I’ll say that. I’m also quite fond of “Love and Some Verses” by Iron & Wine, “I want you” by Tom Waits, “When my boy walks down the street” by Magnetic Fields, and “Call me after dark” by Le Tigre

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? water, maybe some iced tea

9. Can you do push ups? Hmmmm… let me check….. I failed miserably just now at the standard push-up, but could do the “girl” kind.

10. Is your bathroom clean? Oh goodness, no. It will be after tonight though.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? The ring my sweetie gave me

12. Favorite Hobby? Riding bikes, watching stories, going to movies, taking pictures, blogging

13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? It’s not a secret, really.

14. Do you have A.D.D.? On occasion.

15. What’s one trait you hate about yourself? I’m kind of controlling.

16. Middle Name: Michelle Brewer

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: I have to clean the house and pack. I can’t believe I’m going on a trip tomorrow. I’m going to miss my tiny ponies.

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought? Reeses-pieces, internet access, iced tea

19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Water and iced tea

20. Current worry? Money. Always with the money

21. Current hate? my stress zits and constant need for sweets

22. Favorite place to be? On the couch with my family. On a quiet beach. In the mountains.

23. How did you bring in the New Year? Uhhh… I claim early onset Alzheimer’s. I have no clue

24. Where would you like to go? India, Japan, Greece (Mamma Mia!), the UK, the Seychelles, Prague, Germany, the Netherlands, New Zealand

25. Best childhood memory? playing with my grandparent’s St. Bernard, Topper.

26. Do you own slippers? I own slipper socks, medium. –WORD

27. Do you like to spend or save money? I’d love to do both.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Gross

29. Can you whistle? Sure

30. Favorite color? Right now it’s turquoise….or red or turquoise and red, together.

31. Would you be a pirate? no. stupid question

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? this morning I was singing “Together Forever” by Rick Astley

33. Favorite girl’s name? Cordelia

34. Favorite boy’s name? Wesley Wyndham Price (uh oh, someone’s been watching too much Angel)

35. What’s in your pocket right now? knives and lint

36. Last thing that made you laugh? Tawnya half-heartedly saying, “Tawanda!’ while busting an awesome traffic move.

37. Best bed sheets as a child? Ms. Piggy

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? The ankle. Ugh. I can’t talk about it.

39. Do you love where you live? I’ve grown to love it. It’s definitely home, but I’m not opposed to moving some day - to a place with more Fall and Spring and less Summer and Winter

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? 1

41. Who is your loudest friend? can I be my own friend? I think I’m the loudest in my circle of friends

42. Who is your most silent friend? Carolyn, if she’s feeling shy

43. Does anyone have a crush on you? Who doesn’t have a crush on me? Duh.

44. Do you wish on shooting stars? Sometimes.

45. What is your favorite book? The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band (Mötley Crüe)

46. What is your favorite candy? m&ms

47. Favorite Sports Team? Don’t got

48. What music do you want played at your funeral? “When the man comes around” by Johny Cash

49. First thing you thought of when you woke up today? don’t hit snooze.

50. Favorite dessert? éclairs, cream puffs, yummy cake… Newman-Os. See, I told you I’ve been stress eating.

Because I’m so sweet

Wow - have I ever been in a bad mood. I really need my vacation (only three more days!)

As penance for my bad attitude and dirty mouth I will post some musical goodness.

First of all, I found some fanfrickingtastic mashups by A(plus)D. I usually hate mashups, but these are really well done, amusing and in some cases brrrilliant. Here are some of my faves.

deceptafreakon - Missy Elliott vs. Le Tigre

love will tear you apart - Joy Division vs. Bauhaus

I just called to say you’re a rude little pig - Alec Baldwin vs. Stevie Wonder

standing in the way of connection - the Gossip vs. Elastica

unpretty today - TLC vs. Smashing Pumpkins

Art School Cuntfidential - yes, I kiss my mother with this mouth

Probably the best thing I can say about the film, Art School Confidential is that it didn’t reach out from my dvd player to stick a stiffened, un-lubed finger up my ass.

To say it’s a flawed, disjointed, bizarre film lacking any sense or meaning or humor or point, beyond that of self-obsessed, whiney, white-male entitlement and bitterness would be an understatement. Perhaps the longest understatement in human history, but an understatement nonetheless. 

Terry Zwigoff and Daniel Clowes give us a fantastically boring tale of one, semi-talented artist named, uhhh –, something, whatever, it doesn’t matter. Whatever his name was, he was a fucking lame-ass slack - obsessed with ass far outside of his pay grade. So, he goes to a particular school to find said ass, er… excuse me, muse. I ask you, did Zwigott or Clowes ever get laid? because their obsessive feelings of entitlement to young, beautiful girls is more than slightly creepy. 

On his journey to the pits of utter unlike-ability and worthlessness as a central character he meets some lame art teachers and just about every misogynistic female stereotype in the know universe. 

i.e. beautiful, but personality-less muse; bull-dyke; hot, lipstick lesbian; girl who cries when her art is criticized; screaming murder victim; classic slut; crazy, emotional girl, cock tease, ball busters galore… ugh, I’m getting tired. 

Not one of the female characters in this movie is portrayed as being even remotely talented. The two female artists who display confidence in their work are played as delusional and are overtly mocked. 

Then of course, there is our protagonist’s lovely muse. She is portrayed as the one ray of female light…and despite being undeniably pretty - her character is vacant and void of any discernible talents of her own - other than being naked, pouting and presumably “other stuff.” 

By the end of film I felt empty. Like I had wasted my netflix dollar..and that’s a mighty hard-to-waste dollar. I love movies. I love art. I love satire. But, this movie made me hate all three. In fact I don’t know if I can ever watch a movie again. (Barring of course Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 - and I mean that without irony)

I will say it gave me an idea for my next art piece though. I’m thinking about putting Zwigoff’s dick in a vice and telling him that’s just what teenaged poon-tang feels like. 

What do you think? Too literal?

Yankin’ my cranky

They want to die - All of those people I was telling you about last week - you remember them? They are begging to be put our of their misery. BEGGING. Still.
After a cranky phone call with my old man, wherein he divulged his own job-dissatisfaction, I’ve decided that the best thing for us would be to run away and change our names. I think we could really work the whole “disguise” bit too.
Who ARE these people?