Who do I have to blow to get a cute winter coat?

So, last week, after seeing my beautiful and pregnant friend Melissa’s new maternity coat from the Gap, I decided to look at the Gap online for a similar coat. (While I do lack a certain amount of pride– straight up jacking my friend’s coat is just beyond the pale - even if my self image is in the shitter). I found a similar coat in different color within their non-pregger wears - and in a moment of impulse and desperation I pulled the trigger - just hoping the damn thing would fit.

In theory, it should. But, as any chubby girl can tell you, not all “XLs” or 2X or 4Xs are the same. I tried on Melissa’s maternity coat in XL and it fit, but was a little bit snug in the bust. According to Gap’s website whatever size you wear in their regular line will be your size in maternity wear. So, it stands to reason that if I order their XXL coat, which is almost identical in shape - it should fit me, right? I’m really hoping so, because (a) it’s snowing like crazy right now and I really need a coat that doesn’t make me feel like a giant turd squeezed into a tube sock and (b) my ego can’t handle the rejection just now.

I mean, I don’t know if you know what it’s like out there, trying to find a cute, flattering, fashionable, “hip” coat - when you’re chubby. In fact I know you don’t - unless you are another “plus sized” fashionista, but for the rest of you it’s somewhere in between hauling The Ring back to Mordor and having your rectum probed by Carrot Top.

The coat I ordered:

Melissa’s cute coat:

While I’m ranting - Target has all sorts of cute coats right now that supposedly run up to XXL, but after trying a few of them on, I realized that their idea of “XXL” deserved quotes around it. They were sooo tiny. So, I thought I would check the “big girl section” and sadly, but not to my surprise the only coat design that found its way into the fatty club was the most HIDEOUS granny coat in the world with a faux fur collar. Fuck you, Target. I mean, see for yourself. Would it kill them to make that blue one in a bigger size? I mean, they didn’t hesitate in skinning some extra cats in China for that fugly granny coat and there’s no blue fabric shortage that I know of, so what gives?

Whaaat the fuuuuck?

Anyway, because I’m such a fatso whale, I’ve been relegated to shopping “exclusively” online…or is it “online exclusively”…you know just in case I feel badly about not being able to try anything on until after they’ve got my money in their pockets. I’d like to boycott this type of consumer fascism, but let’s face it, I need clothes and so I will take them any way I can get them.

I bought this very cute dress from Old Navy in both brown and black …and are you seated? I bought…jeans. For the first time in 6 years - I will own a pair of pants. Will I wear them? Will they fit? All inconsequential - because I will at long last, at least OWN some. Observe.

Tags: fashion, fatties, coats, outerwear, plus-size, women's, gap, old navy, target, sizing, sizes, wool, fatshionista, Carrot Top, Mordor